I had a Pisces dream last night. I was in Morocco with friends and family,
something bad happened, and as soon as it did, there were two of me.
One of me was talking calmly to my best friend at a cafe, we were sitting at one of those mosiac-y tables and I was explaining why what happened wasn’t ok, how it really hurt me, how there was no justice. She knew all this. It didn’t have to do with her, she was just listening, and watching.
We were both watching. The other me was chasing friends and family down the street. I was following them, totally livid, screaming in front of shopkeepers and strangers as they pointedly ignored me. I was crazy, but I was right.
I wished, casually wished, from my place in the cafe watching, that someone would touch me, that there was a way to collect the me that was so angry, and fold me back into one person. I knew that if anyone so much as put their hand on my shoulder, I would fuse together, solid and certain, with nothing to prove.
It didn’t happen, and the impulse was just to abandon me…
I made plans to leave town.
The calm me would leave the angry one, just a furious curiosity,
and so split and so divided, I suddenly woke up.
See before I split, I tried to reason with them,
and I may as well have not said a thing.
See, when I talk, I make fish sounds, everyone knows I don’t make sense.
That’s what it takes, isn’t it?
Someone to touch you, to believe in you, to know you are not mad.
Or is it that you have to believe in yourself regardless?
Why should that look, the one that says “You’re crazy”
be enough to make you divorce yourself?
Why in the world are we all so scared of strong feelings?
We only like feelings if they are sexual, or positive, (that cute little bunny)
but all feelings come from the same place,
and they simply show you are living. You respond to stimulus.
Try to forgive yourself for having feelings,
ANY feelings, even and especially, ugly ones.
Emotions are so much of what we have.
Underneath our feelings, which exist like tidal waves and tsunamis, like tornadoes, and earthquakes, and even like gentle breezes and warm summer nights, is the endless ocean, or should I say, limitlessness of matter, (has anyone found the end of space?) which suggests, rather deeply that we are all in this together, without meaningful separations of any kind.
Boomhauer’s right you know,
if you want to talk, give me a shout