Mars/Neptune/Chiron, Pisces Dream

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I had a Pisces dream last night. I was in Morocco with friends and family,
something bad happened, and as soon as it did, there were two of me.

One of me was talking calmly to my best friend at a cafe, we were sitting at one of those mosiac-y tables and I was explaining why what happened wasn’t ok, how it really hurt me, how there was no justice. She knew all this. It didn’t have to do with her, she was just listening, and watching.

We were both watching. The other me was chasing friends and family down the street. I was following them, totally livid, screaming in front of shopkeepers and strangers as they pointedly ignored me. I was crazy, but I was right.

I wished, casually wished, from my place in the cafe watching, that someone would touch me, that there was a way to collect the me that was so angry, and fold me back into one person. I knew that if anyone so much as put their hand on my shoulder, I would fuse together, solid and certain, with nothing to prove.

It didn’t happen, and the impulse was just to abandon me…
I made plans to leave town.
The calm me would leave the angry one, just a furious curiosity,
and so split and so divided, I suddenly woke up.

See before I split, I tried to reason with them,
and I may as well have not said a thing.
See, when I talk, I make fish sounds, everyone knows I don’t make sense.

That’s what it takes, isn’t it?
Someone to touch you, to believe in you, to know you are not mad.

Or is it that you have to believe in yourself regardless?

Why should that look, the one that says “You’re crazy”
be enough to make you divorce yourself?

Why in the world are we all so scared of strong feelings?

We only like feelings if they are sexual, or positive, (that cute little bunny)
but all feelings come from the same place,
and they simply show you are living. You respond to stimulus.

Try to forgive yourself for having feelings,
ANY feelings, even and especially, ugly ones.
Emotions are so much of what we have.

Underneath our feelings, which exist like tidal waves and tsunamis, like tornadoes, and earthquakes, and even like gentle breezes and warm summer nights, is the endless ocean, or should I say, limitlessness of matter, (has anyone found the end of space?) which suggests, rather deeply that we are all in this together, without meaningful separations of any kind.

Boomhauer’s right you know,

if you want to talk, give me a shout

Love YOU!!!!

XoX

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3 Responses to Mars/Neptune/Chiron, Pisces Dream

  1. Charlotte says:

    🙁 Such an unsettling dream. I know the feeling. Was part of you at peace yet inexplicably outraged when you woke up? Btw I was watching the United States of Tara before I read this!!

    Feeling all of this. Man, these skies… I think the Libra moon makes a Cardinal T-Square with my chart particularly with Uranus in Aries squaring my Neptune in Cap. It’s all too much sometimes! And yet, I feel a faint glimmer of hope… I can’t explain it. Earlier I was thinking about how I grew up with Pluto in the 4th. Literally I saw myself as an adult when pluto hit my saturn (age 9). I don’t know stability (saturn conj moon conj uranus opp chiron!). I don’t understand it. All I’ve ever wanted was a home where I felt understood. And now that pluto is gone, I can almost see that I can have it if I choose it. But t-Saturn in my 3rd is restructuring how I communicate. I’m starting to see what others see but it may be a long time before I learn how to connect. Actually, the majority of the pisces stellium is in my 7th and Im not speaking to parts of myself today. We need time apart to rest.

    Love you!

  2. o_lightning says:

    Hey Charlotte,

    Very well said. I always think it is interesting to realize at what age we feel like we became an adult. There is a lot to discover in that alone. All that Pisces in your 7th! Everyone else is tripping!!! haha Kidding!!!

    When I woke up, I was really glad to realize how angry I was. It’s interesting how being in the grips of strong feeling separates us from others. The dissociation works both ways: staying out of messy feelings is dissociative, and so is staying in them. The key is touch, staying in your body. When I’m in my body, I’m literally in touch. It gave me a lot to think about over all, and something to write about, which always makes me grateful.

    Love you back! xox

  3. Charlotte says:

    Haha yeah everyone else is crazy! Not me 😉 There is something wonderful about such realistic dreams because they force you to confront reality. I think I dreamt about an aurora borealis that same night. It happens once or twice a year but I saw it in that dream with a partner (dream man I didn’t know) who was becoming distant. Yet I didn’t care because the beauty had overtaken me.

    “Life is a mystery” in the key of Madonna. She inspired me because she was so keen on transformtion at will. I needed that and I loved knowing it could be done so successfully. Life is hard. These emotions aren’t easy. When I stay in them, I see what I’m missing. I’m just thankful there are people who get it.

    Love you truly!

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