The Saturn Vibe is strong right now. Capricorn Moon.
I went and shot hoops today, all by myself. If I were in a movie, someone would have watched me, and then made stilted awkward conversation. That didn’t happen. I just played basketball by myself until my hands were dirty and then I walked down the hill.
Later driving around I thought about faces you see on the street, how people are so beautiful, and how maybe they will never know how mind-bendingly lovely they are, and what a loss it is that no one can really tell them so they can know it. Almost immediately following I thought about how selfish everyone is and then imagined blowing up the entire planet. That imagery was cut short, by including myself in the blowing up, and then rapidly thinking of people I did not want blow up, and still, in the privacy of my mind, going ‘except them, except them’
This was followed by sitting in my car, in the driveway watching a small grey cat make himself comfortable on the hood. Anyone who thinks you outgrow adolescence has not spent time in my brain.
It was 5:30 and I realized no food had entered my body, and coffee was all that I drank.I seemed to be playing out some vintage Jim Jarmush drama, but with out the supporting actors. I had given 9/10ths of the day to paperwork of a uniquely bad sort, The kind that is required by lawyers and involves
reviewing old emails. No, I didn’t do anything wrong! It’s just these places we find ourselves, blown in to corners like dust, too heavy to fly, dust that floats so briefly and lands in the most random positions and places.
The fight is wearying and realizing we alone are responsible for our predicaments takes guts.
Take comfort in the fact that if not these positions and places, surely some others, equally challenging, equally strange.
If I had to live my life
again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.